You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
Can. I. Help. You.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Happy Caturday!
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.