My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
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Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Word!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.