馃檲 See no evil.
馃檳 Hear no evil.
馃檴 Monkey beat-boxing
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Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
BEACH BOYS: 馃幎 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 馃
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
All excellent questions
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.