Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me