@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
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CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.