Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
the worm is coming from inside the brain
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Festive toon…
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
the greatest twitter interaction
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”