Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal