me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I already tried new things thanks.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels