Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 馃槶
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the male barbie should鈥檝e been named barbo
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can鈥檛 be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can鈥檛 be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don鈥檛 want to have to do either
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Them: I haven鈥檛 seen you in a long time.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to r茅sum茅.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we鈥檝e finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager鈥檚 mood
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.