My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT