I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
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[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I’m too immature for adultery.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
english majors be like furthermore
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.