The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.