Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
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*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”