my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
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If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.