I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
So that’s what we looked like?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My inexpensive home security system…
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.