My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations