Anime is real
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Meow
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?