[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
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[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
That’s classic.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.