Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?