TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
even bears disappoint their mothers
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?