The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
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I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Lol
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable