PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
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I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
ugh not again
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
My typo game is string.