If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.