When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
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[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
umm…