I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
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My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis