NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
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Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
So we got a goldfish…
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast