Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
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Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’