WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Found the job I’m suited for
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.