Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing