There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Software Development ⛵️
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.