it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
Do not levitate over flowers
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.