[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
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things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Good morning!
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.