Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest