I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try