her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.