TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
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I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Erm…
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?