The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
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I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
“That’s what” – She
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?