Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
A dad and his duck
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar