I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.