[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
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Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding