I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
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“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you