If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.