someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?