interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.