When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?