They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count