Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
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“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.