I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You Might Also Like
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*