Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
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my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Oops I deleted….
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days