Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
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Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts